Linnie

Hello all,
Deep breath. as I have been told I need to update my blog...(thx D.! ) I have been so busy like everyone else. Time is just running away. This past month I have been struggling with the loss Of my oldest brother, Linnie. I have been struggling with many thoughts and emotions about his death. He was almost 60. My brother was in and out of trouble all his life. In my childhood years he spent most of his in Prison. so many crimes over time Im not sure what he didnt do.. Even if he was a x con, he was still my brother and I miss him .. I mostly miss the thought that one day My family will all come back together and get along. That for one Holiday we will all be together in the same home sharing a meal and a good chat. Its very hard to believe My tomorrows and Maybes are all gone with him.
The reason behind Lins Death is also haunting me, At first I thought like everyone else he just passed in his sleep, he had been having some troubles with past illnesses and had lived a very hard lifestyle. But a couple of days later a letter was found in his couch, He had killed himself..
It's hard to talk about it and very hard to write through the tears, But I think I need too. Lin stated in his note he was tired of being alone.. tried of being a burden on his family.. was in pain , and couldnt handle it any longer. He O.D.
Now I have these feelings of guilt. Shame. Of letting him be alone. Of not being there for him, Being selfish becasue I didnt want to go into the trailer park where he was living. I feel like I let him down. I didnt bring him a meal, I didnt invite him down for one.. The last time I spent time with him was at the hospital when His Mother was Passing.. I Didnt ever know what to talk about with him.. And Now I cant make it better, I cant try harder with him..
I just Hate this feeling.
My Nephews are doing the best they can.. They are grown adults with kids of their own. One Is in a re hab.. They have made a date for a memorial yet, and they still havent been able to sumit a obit. My sister Is a wreak, She Has Lost her step father and mother and Now brother in under a yr. She has had to be the rock in her family. I dont know how much more she will be able to handle. Thank God she is Strong and has a Good Man behind her.

so thisn is my update for now. I will try to be back later with a happy one.
K